What pregnancy glow do you call this?

Through the years, Ive seen situations and movies of people during their pregnancy. The mothers to be have this glow in their faces, they all have this similar smile that just screams "the world has succumbed to be my oyster and there is nothing else I shall want"..

Whenever I got to thinking about my moment as an expectant mom.. I had always envisioned myself to be walking around town, with my husband in my arms, wearing that same glow these women had and better because Im naturally this ball of sunshine and I would love to have that optimism passed on to my kid.. everybody just as happy for me as I am excited about my first baby.. Maternity and Belly before and after photo shoots.. A themed nursery just like what Frank designed for Nina at Father of The Bride II... not a worry in the world as everything would just go on smoothly..

Ive been waiting for that happy vibe to happen to me since the day I found out I was pregnant.. Im now going on my 7th month and it has yet to happen.. My family have become people who are perched on a bench with popcorn in their hands waiting for me to fall on my face.. oh and they will rub it in.. My boyfriend, the man who said we should keep the baby drags me away from baby stores... at 7 months and nothing prepared.. my friends... with their own issues of course.. but none ever thought about throwing me a baby shower.. and of course people who have their own set of judgements to dish out.. none of which are of help really.. its just so they get to feel less screwed up about themselves..

Oh well.. 2 months or so to go.. maybe by then ill be put out of my misery *wishful thinking*

Week 27

Wow so much has happened! I might as well give highlights..

April 19.. I made a card... drew a stork and taped the pregnancy test stick onto it.. in a very creative fashion if I may say so... I gave it to my boyfriend over dinner... He just sat there and well... I guess he was just taking it all in... in his own way.. kind of made me envy other women who upon breaking the news to their significant others, got lifted off their feet and spun around and there was just so much happiness on the couples faces that.. I just wanted that too.. Didnt realize how hard that was to get when the pregnancy is unplanned...

April 21

Went to the hospital to have my cramps checked out since it hasnt stopped at all.. That was when it became official.. I was pregnant, we saw the little bean ... with a little ball next to it.. and yeah, there was the heart beat too.. And my body was trying to abort it. I just cant help but be amazed at how long he was able to hang on for dear life, Ive been having the cramps for almost a month for about 6 times every single day.. and that was my body aborting the poor thing..

I had to be wheeled out of the hospital, instructed to be on bed rest for a week.. now how do i explain that to my folks!? @.@ We ended up going to my boyfriends' mom first.. He broke the news to her and showed her the ultrasound photos.. "youre having a baby!?" was followed with a laugh and then we were adviced to break the news gently to my mother (she and my parents have been friends even before my boyfriend and I were born) I shouldve known that that was going to be the best reaction I was going to get of telling people I was pregnant.. I wouldve rolled around in it and embraced the moment a little bit longer x.x

The next person we told was my dad.. my very strict but mostly level headed father sat there looking at the ultrasound photos without a sound... It was obvious he wasn't thrilled that his youngest daughter got knocked up.. but after a few minutes he asked us what our plans were... and since my boyfriend and I decided not to get married.. it was quite hard for him to understand.. Then together we plotted when the best time was to tell my mother who was celebrating her birthday the next day.. we decided to tell her on the 23rd so we dont risk ruining her day.

The next day, my dad comes into the room and gives me a hug and whispers to me that hes excited about telling my mom and asks me if Ive told my sister already..

Ugh.. just to sum it up.. my sister cried and was worried for me.. my mother walked out and dad took her out to cool off for a while and as expected, she had no problem scolding me and my boyfriend... So yeah.. I didnt get any love from those two.. just a bit from my dad.. which was also unexpected but as it turns out, he was the only one in my family who was all bright and peachy about my pregnancy..

May

The idea of marriage suddenly consumes my family... every day, they ask me what our plans are... to which I just answer no plans yet, he just found out.

But it really ticked me off that it seemed like I suddenly belonged to a family of ignorant women. It was as if theyve been brainwashed by society that.. "you lady. lady pregnant. lady marry." my aunt insists that without marriage, the kid will not be blessed... and my mother certainly had no problem referring to my child as a bastard.. To which in my head Ive replied to each of them a heartfelt, "SCREW YOU".

June

Now it was my mother and my sister pestering me to fix my room, prepare it for a baby.. I also have talked to them that I dont want to be staying here if people will be smoking and smoking outside coz as it is, im confined to just 4 out of 15 rooms in the house because the entire house is a freaking smoking lounge. Going to the bathroom alone, I could still smell the cigarette smoke coming in from the vent, and people seem to not care that once im seated outside... even infront of me, they still light up. GEEZ!

Thank goodness though, I only had to deal with this on weekends.. I was able to get a job as a 3D artist.. in ortigas though.. But who cares, I want to be debt free before the baby comes. It would at least be one less problem off my shoulder. And getting that job really really helped lift me up. My mood and my self esteem did a complete 180, I got to pamper myself again with a trip to the nail salon.. I was able to treat my friends for dinner on my birthday.. I treated my boyfriend better too... Ive been on cloud 9 since I got that job :)

July

By july, my rocky relationship with my boyfriend has surpassed the trials.. I really think it was my job that helped as it made me a happier person.. and him leaving his job (which caused him to be away for a month or so) made it even better.. so since then we've been back to how we were before... and even happier since we found out we would be getting our wish.. we would be having a Son :)

Then came the planning for things to buy for the baby.. Ive been looking around a lot.. but just to get an idea of the prices and costs... I once took my boyfriend to SM... we were looking around the baby section then I noticed his face changed when he saw the prices of the cribs which cost php15,000 up... I asked him what was up and he said.. he forgot to save up for the cribs, strollers, car seats and such.. I then realized he must be in so much pressure that he feels he would be alone to cover everything financially.. =\

Things at home havent changed.. I figured out that having lunch or dinner with my family was not a good idea as it allowed them to talk to me.. and of course.. what else would they talk about.. "our plans.. "I dont get it.. they never meddled so much with my life.. why now x.x

Then my mother started exhibiting her insecurities... she constantly asks me what my boyfriend's mom says about things.. and I tell her how supportive his mom has been coz she really has been such a feather about the whole thing.. looking at condos for me and my boyfriend, suggesting doctors, even planning a trip to divisoria to buy baby clothes..

then she asks me why his mom is not calling her up to talk about the baby and such... to which I asked her.. why, have you called her up? ... she hasnt..

My boyfriend and I figured that the two women arent comfortable talking to each other about the baby.. and it would be too much of an added burden for us to bother with it so we would just let them sort it out on their own, they are after all.. old enough :)

August

Over a (now typical) lunch with my family during one weekend, my sister had said that Im using "stress" as a way to escape and its not working anymore.. If she actually felt what I was feeling, shed be humming a different tune.. but screw her too for not respecting my feelings.

Then I get a call from my dad one day asking me why my boyfriend hasnt been around lately (it was the 3rd day I havent seen him, his mom was using the car for events and such) apparently, my mom updates him and they worry he might have run away from me already @.@ Can anyone say SOAP OPERA?

Then they talked to me and asked me again what our plans were.. When I talked to my father about this before, he was light to talk to about this.. suddenly, there was that pressure... I had a feeling that him asking this question was prompted by my mother... and seeing I was getting agitated by them, they defend themselves by saying that they just want me to be happy... I couldnt hold it any longer.. I told them, Im already happy, theres nothing else I could ask for from my boyfriend as he is already giving me everything I need, Food, clothing, medical support, His mother is equally supportive and that Its only them thats making me feel heavy about my situation. they backed off.. thank God.

I had since then pledged to get out of the house whenever my family would be at home. It was just getting too much for me. It honestly feels like Im being thrown into a pond of piranhas whenever Im with them so I asked my boyfriend to not take me home until theyre asleep.. and to take me out of the house before they wake up.. he obliged... and it was TIRING.

To which I get another call from my father who asks me whats going on... apparently the maid told my mother I got home at 4 in the morning and left at 5 am.. which.. is such a big fat lie. I got in at 2 and left before 7am. I swear, the women in this house are ANNOYING as it is and then the maid just HAD TO join in.

------

Now

------

I still dread sitting at the dining table with my family..

I am considering moving out of the house as for one, its CIGARETTE VILLE here.. two, I dont want my kid to be exposed to the high pitched- noon time show host- voices of 2 specific people in this house.. and three.. for sure.. people will be telling me what to do MORE thinking theyre such experts and that Im just a kid who got knocked up..

I am currently worried about:

my finances over the next few months....

will I get a job after I give birth...

oh god.. child birth....

my doctor is mostly unavailable..

my boyfriend not fully grasping the idea of having a baby right now... he hasnt READ ANYTHING about newborn care, listed baby needs, read about pregnancy, or.. anything about the baby.. its all ME.. I hate that Im carrying the bulk of the weight, physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually... EVERYHING.