Friday, September 9, 2011

What pregnancy glow do you call this?

Through the years, Ive seen situations and movies of people during their pregnancy. The mothers to be have this glow in their faces, they all have this similar smile that just screams "the world has succumbed to be my oyster and there is nothing else I shall want"..

Whenever I got to thinking about my moment as an expectant mom.. I had always envisioned myself to be walking around town, with my husband in my arms, wearing that same glow these women had and better because Im naturally this ball of sunshine and I would love to have that optimism passed on to my kid.. everybody just as happy for me as I am excited about my first baby.. Maternity and Belly before and after photo shoots.. A themed nursery just like what Frank designed for Nina at Father of The Bride II... not a worry in the world as everything would just go on smoothly..

Ive been waiting for that happy vibe to happen to me since the day I found out I was pregnant.. Im now going on my 7th month and it has yet to happen.. My family have become people who are perched on a bench with popcorn in their hands waiting for me to fall on my face.. oh and they will rub it in.. My boyfriend, the man who said we should keep the baby drags me away from baby stores... at 7 months and nothing prepared.. my friends... with their own issues of course.. but none ever thought about throwing me a baby shower.. and of course people who have their own set of judgements to dish out.. none of which are of help really.. its just so they get to feel less screwed up about themselves..

Oh well.. 2 months or so to go.. maybe by then ill be put out of my misery *wishful thinking*

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Week 27

Wow so much has happened! I might as well give highlights..

April 19.. I made a card... drew a stork and taped the pregnancy test stick onto it.. in a very creative fashion if I may say so... I gave it to my boyfriend over dinner... He just sat there and well... I guess he was just taking it all in... in his own way.. kind of made me envy other women who upon breaking the news to their significant others, got lifted off their feet and spun around and there was just so much happiness on the couples faces that.. I just wanted that too.. Didnt realize how hard that was to get when the pregnancy is unplanned...

April 21
Went to the hospital to have my cramps checked out since it hasnt stopped at all.. That was when it became official.. I was pregnant, we saw the little bean ... with a little ball next to it.. and yeah, there was the heart beat too.. And my body was trying to abort it. I just cant help but be amazed at how long he was able to hang on for dear life, Ive been having the cramps for almost a month for about 6 times every single day.. and that was my body aborting the poor thing..

I had to be wheeled out of the hospital, instructed to be on bed rest for a week.. now how do i explain that to my folks!? @.@ We ended up going to my boyfriends' mom first.. He broke the news to her and showed her the ultrasound photos.. "youre having a baby!?" was followed with a laugh and then we were adviced to break the news gently to my mother (she and my parents have been friends even before my boyfriend and I were born) I shouldve known that that was going to be the best reaction I was going to get of telling people I was pregnant.. I wouldve rolled around in it and embraced the moment a little bit longer x.x

The next person we told was my dad.. my very strict but mostly level headed father sat there looking at the ultrasound photos without a sound... It was obvious he wasn't thrilled that his youngest daughter got knocked up.. but after a few minutes he asked us what our plans were... and since my boyfriend and I decided not to get married.. it was quite hard for him to understand.. Then together we plotted when the best time was to tell my mother who was celebrating her birthday the next day.. we decided to tell her on the 23rd so we dont risk ruining her day.

The next day, my dad comes into the room and gives me a hug and whispers to me that hes excited about telling my mom and asks me if Ive told my sister already..

Ugh.. just to sum it up.. my sister cried and was worried for me.. my mother walked out and dad took her out to cool off for a while and as expected, she had no problem scolding me and my boyfriend... So yeah.. I didnt get any love from those two.. just a bit from my dad.. which was also unexpected but as it turns out, he was the only one in my family who was all bright and peachy about my pregnancy..

The idea of marriage suddenly consumes my family... every day, they ask me what our plans are... to which I just answer no plans yet, he just found out.

But it really ticked me off that it seemed like I suddenly belonged to a family of ignorant women. It was as if theyve been brainwashed by society that.. "you lady. lady pregnant. lady marry." my aunt insists that without marriage, the kid will not be blessed... and my mother certainly had no problem referring to my child as a bastard.. To which in my head Ive replied to each of them a heartfelt, "SCREW YOU".

Now it was my mother and my sister pestering me to fix my room, prepare it for a baby.. I also have talked to them that I dont want to be staying here if people will be smoking and smoking outside coz as it is, im confined to just 4 out of 15 rooms in the house because the entire house is a freaking smoking lounge. Going to the bathroom alone, I could still smell the cigarette smoke coming in from the vent, and people seem to not care that once im seated outside... even infront of me, they still light up. GEEZ!

Thank goodness though, I only had to deal with this on weekends.. I was able to get a job as a 3D artist.. in ortigas though.. But who cares, I want to be debt free before the baby comes. It would at least be one less problem off my shoulder. And getting that job really really helped lift me up. My mood and my self esteem did a complete 180, I got to pamper myself again with a trip to the nail salon.. I was able to treat my friends for dinner on my birthday.. I treated my boyfriend better too... Ive been on cloud 9 since I got that job :)

By july, my rocky relationship with my boyfriend has surpassed the trials.. I really think it was my job that helped as it made me a happier person.. and him leaving his job (which caused him to be away for a month or so) made it even better.. so since then we've been back to how we were before... and even happier since we found out we would be getting our wish.. we would be having a Son :)

Then came the planning for things to buy for the baby.. Ive been looking around a lot.. but just to get an idea of the prices and costs... I once took my boyfriend to SM... we were looking around the baby section then I noticed his face changed when he saw the prices of the cribs which cost php15,000 up... I asked him what was up and he said.. he forgot to save up for the cribs, strollers, car seats and such.. I then realized he must be in so much pressure that he feels he would be alone to cover everything financially.. =\

Things at home havent changed.. I figured out that having lunch or dinner with my family was not a good idea as it allowed them to talk to me.. and of course.. what else would they talk about.. "our plans.. "I dont get it.. they never meddled so much with my life.. why now x.x

Then my mother started exhibiting her insecurities... she constantly asks me what my boyfriend's mom says about things.. and I tell her how supportive his mom has been coz she really has been such a feather about the whole thing.. looking at condos for me and my boyfriend, suggesting doctors, even planning a trip to divisoria to buy baby clothes..

then she asks me why his mom is not calling her up to talk about the baby and such... to which I asked her.. why, have you called her up? ... she hasnt..

My boyfriend and I figured that the two women arent comfortable talking to each other about the baby.. and it would be too much of an added burden for us to bother with it so we would just let them sort it out on their own, they are after all.. old enough :)

Over a (now typical) lunch with my family during one weekend, my sister had said that Im using "stress" as a way to escape and its not working anymore.. If she actually felt what I was feeling, shed be humming a different tune.. but screw her too for not respecting my feelings.

Then I get a call from my dad one day asking me why my boyfriend hasnt been around lately (it was the 3rd day I havent seen him, his mom was using the car for events and such) apparently, my mom updates him and they worry he might have run away from me already @.@ Can anyone say SOAP OPERA?

Then they talked to me and asked me again what our plans were.. When I talked to my father about this before, he was light to talk to about this.. suddenly, there was that pressure... I had a feeling that him asking this question was prompted by my mother... and seeing I was getting agitated by them, they defend themselves by saying that they just want me to be happy... I couldnt hold it any longer.. I told them, Im already happy, theres nothing else I could ask for from my boyfriend as he is already giving me everything I need, Food, clothing, medical support, His mother is equally supportive and that Its only them thats making me feel heavy about my situation. they backed off.. thank God.

I had since then pledged to get out of the house whenever my family would be at home. It was just getting too much for me. It honestly feels like Im being thrown into a pond of piranhas whenever Im with them so I asked my boyfriend to not take me home until theyre asleep.. and to take me out of the house before they wake up.. he obliged... and it was TIRING.

To which I get another call from my father who asks me whats going on... apparently the maid told my mother I got home at 4 in the morning and left at 5 am.. which.. is such a big fat lie. I got in at 2 and left before 7am. I swear, the women in this house are ANNOYING as it is and then the maid just HAD TO join in.

I still dread sitting at the dining table with my family..

I am considering moving out of the house as for one, its CIGARETTE VILLE here.. two, I dont want my kid to be exposed to the high pitched- noon time show host- voices of 2 specific people in this house.. and three.. for sure.. people will be telling me what to do MORE thinking theyre such experts and that Im just a kid who got knocked up..

I am currently worried about:
my finances over the next few months....
will I get a job after I give birth...
oh god.. child birth....
my doctor is mostly unavailable..
my boyfriend not fully grasping the idea of having a baby right now... he hasnt READ ANYTHING about newborn care, listed baby needs, read about pregnancy, or.. anything about the baby.. its all ME.. I hate that Im carrying the bulk of the weight, physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually... EVERYHING.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

6th Week :)

So its been a week since the test came out positive. I cheated and still smoked the entire day.. but as soon as the next day came... I made a video for my baby showing myself smoking the last stick and telling them i quit coz of them so they better not smoke a single stick when they grow up.. after that I guess you could say I went cold turkey..

Ive been a pack a day smoker for over a decade now... so you could imagine how quiting suddenly would create such an impact on my system... And the effects of withdrawal on me have been brutal for the first three days.. I was extremely stressed for no reason that pulling my hair felt quite good.. I was crying and crying because of the stress... There was the need to do something all the time to stop thinking about it... I also fought my boyfriend a lot more.. and my friend even called me out on my being too much of a war freak lately... me... little miss ball of sunshine and positive energy has suddenly become the goddess of wrath :p

So to deal with this.. especially the first three days, i limited myself to a quarter of a stick.. a day. Then after that its become... a puff or two per day.. Im... quite amazed that im managing it better now.. I also find that the taste of smoke has started to turn me off as well when it is left hanging around my mouth.. It must be the pregnancy thing thats working to make sure my baby maker would be at its best running condition :p

Speaking of which.. after finding out I was pregnant... there was a time I suddenly doubted if I was pregnant.. I just wasnt feeling anything.. Now Im worried that it might have been a bad test kit.... and it just said i was pregnant when I really am not... If this is the case, I really have to get myself checked because these cramps are still on going. Id hate for it to be an ectopic pregnancy or an ovarian cyst... or.. some std that im gonna kill my boyfriend for passing on to me.. @.@

Anyway... im still waiting for my boyfriend to get back.. 6 days to go :) Already planning ways to break the news to him.. I want it to be a great experience for him to find out... and just focus on the good stuff instead of having him think automatically "your dads going to kill me!!!" :)

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Bloody Truth

Last March 26 2011, I started having menstrual cramps. But to my surprise, the next day came, still cramping every now and then.. but my period hasnt showed up. March 28, still cramping especially at night with no period, I started to worry. After hearing about ovarian problems from a few people, I looked up the symptoms online..

There were some where they said, they had menstrual cramps but no period coming.. their pregnancy tests had come out negative... Although a week later, it came out positive. Basically, it all pointed to Being Pregnant.

It was quite numbing to think I was possibly pregnant. I am not married (and this alone could wreak havoc in a conservative society and family) I currently dont have a job. My credit card bill and a few debts have been hanging over my head. I cant even buy my dogs their own food. I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day (which has been a wonder how I was able to afford these packs when Ive always been on zero cash). I've been a bum for 4 months now and Its just really the worst time to be expecting a baby at this point.

Then came the outpour of signs that I could be pregnant... I snapped back a lot on my boyfriend.. I found myself taking three to four hour naps in the afternoon consistently for 3 days now. And Im not a fan of sleeping at all. I believe its a waste of time. Ive noticed that my not so blessed kisses have grown and they were swollen and firm to the touch. And yes.. my libido has increased. quite significantly if i may say so.. and I tear up more than usual from watching videos or playing scenarios in my head.. and ive been researching day in and day out about pregnancy and babies and things they might need... Which was odd since ive had pregnancy scares before but never really got obsessed about reading about it until now.

By this time I had already spoken to my boyfriend about the possibility of being pregnant... I wanted to take the test but i wanted to wait for him to get back from hong kong on the 20th.. And it was actually weird that I wanted to wait for him because before now, I wouldve just taken it.. but for some reason... I am just too convinced that I could be pregnant for real this time.. that.. I wanted to share such a milestone with him. We discussed how we feel about it.. we both are scared shitless to tell our folks.. but aside from that, we were quite happy about the thought of having a baby together..

Then the thought that Ive been smoking a lot might cause problems for the possible baby.. I decided to take the test... I figured, the earlier I know, the earlier I can stop smoking.. and maybe start eating right and preparing for the little one.

So today.. April 6 2011, around 8 in the morning.. I took the test :)

My first reaction to seeing a faint line forming across the T was...really!? and as soon as it started becoming darker and the second line had showed up... I couldnt help but say.. oh my god... and i was smiling, tickled pink of the results really... until i started thinking about telling my folks.. then thats when the ... "shit" came out :p but i was just too happy that i pushed the thought aside and just stared at the stick for a while wondering if my eyes were playing tricks on me... i even double checked the instructions to see if I got it right :p

I decided to tell my boyfriend on his birthday... which is on the 24th this month. But I really couldnt contain the excitement.. I had to tell someone! My friend Ruby knew about the stuff Ive been going through.. she was the only person I had confided in aside from my boyfriend because not only is she a mom herself but she has also been my friend since we were 8. An hour after finding out.. she sends me a message... "well?" I just couldnt help but flood the chat box with big smileys... and I guess she figured out what it was.. So i was like.. what the heck! ill tell her! There really was no way im keeping this news bottled all to myself for the next 18 days :p

Oh my.. I only hope I dont get the morning sickness.. I really dont want to be vomiting loudly in the house when my family hasnt been told properly yet.. I also want it to be a boy... badly.. But I want it to be a surprise at the same time.. I also want to get an ultrasound first before we tell the folks... hopefully seeing the ultrasound might make things more of a joyful moment of telling them than... a horrible one... *phew!* so many things to plan for.. Quit Smoking, Business Planning (i do need some source of income) Telling the boyfriend... Telling the parents.. Keeping healthy.. and definitely keeping sexy.. my mom has already pointed out that i am gaining weight @.@ ohhhhh dear lord...